she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't deserve a penis
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
