Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
