the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
