Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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