I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
