I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
