So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
