when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
