So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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