I wannas sexs uuuuu
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
