I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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