just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
