I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize