yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
