well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
