How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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