so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
