Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
