Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
