Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
