Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
