Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
