Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
