he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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