Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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