you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
