my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
