my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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