The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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