I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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