Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
