John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
