Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
