i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
