Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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