Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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