i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
