6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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