she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
