He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
