Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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