At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
