Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
