i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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