When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
