Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
