Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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