I can text with my tongue
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
3pm strippers are depressing
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
