If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize