So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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