Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
