I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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