I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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