my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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