My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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