Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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