There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
